Dear Sappho
I’m not sure if I should follow my heart or head on this one. I have been seeing a woman for about 6 months. We have great chemistry, hot sex and have a lot of fun and laughs together. My friends tell me she’s “The One” and I think so too. Recently she asked me to live with her. She was forced to lose her wonderful house after a split up from a long relationship. I would love to live with her, actually more than anything in the world. The problem is; she has never told me she loved me.
I have never been in a love relationship this long without both of us saying we loved each other, or more usually that we are in love with other. I’ve learned not to be mushy or needy with her. I want to take a chance and live with her but I am afraid of taking this kind of a risk with someone who is not emotionally available. What would you do?
Dear Emotionally Unfulfilled.
ReplyDeleteFirst I would examine all of the emotional assets and liabilities inherent in the relationship. It sounds like you expect love to be stated explicitly and implicitly in a love relationship and you are holding on until the love becomes apparent. But we don’t know what she is thinking or feeling do we? It could be anything. She may not believe in falling in love anymore, she may be wary to start another long-term relationship so soon, and she may think that you are friends with benefits.
Until you actually ask her and talk to her about this, you may never know precisely what she is feeling. How about defining the parameters of your live in relationship? How about asking her how it makes her feel to know that you love her? I am advocating communication, explicit questions, and a meeting of the minds regarding mutual expectations and plans for the future.
If you can remain neutral and grounded enough to live with her without becoming hearing those three little words - then go for it…who knows where the saga will end. If you have emotional needs and expectations that aren’t being met now – you may have to deal with dissatisfaction. If you keep your expectations in check and define what is possible, you may find yourself gravitating toward a fulfillment you had not expected. So follow whatever signal is stronger whether it be your head or your heart. But use your head to ask all the important questions and your heart to know the true way. Best of luck in love either way.
Love, Sappho