Dear Sappho,
I have a super crush on a nurse I work with. I know she s a lesbian and up until now I have lived my life as a want to be bisexual. Although most of my relationships have been with men, I find myself constantly fantasizing about women. Now all of those women have become the face and embodiment of this one particular woman that I can’t stop thinking about, and believe me, I have tried.
I want to connect with her and I am curious if lesbians would sleep with or could come to love a bisexual woman? Is there some sort of political sexual protocol or unspoken code of honor about lesbians sleeping with bisexual women?
Dear Woman,
ReplyDeleteThere are no rules against love. Not only are lesbians almost exclusively raised by heterosexual parents, almost all lesbians are raised to be heterosexuals. Many lesbians considered themselves to be bisexuals before they had that ‘aha’ lesbian identity moment. So although lesbians are not bisexuals, bisexuals may yet become lesbians. This is both the fire you play with, and your possible destiny.
Lesbians are wary of women looking for sexual experimentation, though some might embrace it. Most woman, straight, or gay, want exclusive relationships and don’t want to be the novelty act or after thought. You must be honest with her in your intention and affections, as no one wants to be used.
Women of every gender and sexual denomination are looking for love. If you really can’t stop thinking about her, you may already be in love with her. All sexual confusion and ambiguity comes courtesy of the restrictions placed upon love and strict gender conformity to religious and social morals. However, the dark night of the soul is fading in the dawning of the Aquarian Age, and the evolution of consciousness beyond duality.
There are no rules against love. Why anyone would teach that loving truly and honestly is unnatural is a perversion indeed. Sexual identity is a human variation and varies woman to woman. Be honest, authentic, and true to yourself first. Your heart is trying to get your attention, follow your heart and learn what, and who you love, and why.
This particular woman may not become the love of your life, but she is an unmistakable road sign telling you what direction you want to go in. My advice is to forget the labels and spend time together, wherein, you may express your admiration and affection. Either way the siren is calling your name. Never be afraid to love authentically.
Sincerely,
Sappho
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI'm enjoying your website and I think the articles on gender acceptance are wonderful and very needed. I applaud it and appreciate the perspective on love being gender blind. As I was reading through these columns, I came across these lines:
"Many lesbians considered themselves to be bisexuals before they had that ‘aha’ lesbian identity moment. So although lesbians are not bisexuals, bisexuals may yet become lesbians."
I have to respond with a few thoughts...I've never been mistaken about my sexual identity and I can say the same for the vast majority of Bisexual women I've met. This pervasive view that we are "bi now, gay later" is what encourages negative stereotypes about Bisexuals.
I'm glad you added in the "forget the labels" comment later in your advice but those initial sentences did not sit well with me. I have been passed over by lesbians for the impression that I am there to experiment with them. I'm trying to change that viewpoint but it's an uphill battle. I wish your reader luck, there are lesbian women who are wonderful and will look beyond the Bisexual label. I hope she finds them. I have had some great, but unfortunately, many not so great experiences
The column is great
Cheers,
Dear ~S
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting! Labels are limiting and finite. The sexual evolution of human beings varies and labels are used to temporarily define or express where we are at that moment. I once identified myself as a bisexual woman, but now identify myself as a lesbian. Not all bisexual women become lesbians. Some become totally straight, others continue to identify as lifelong bisexual women.
The sexual identification of many may not mesh with actual sexual practice. There are women who identify as bisexuals who have never actually had a significant love affair, including a deep sexual relationship with another woman. There are women who identify themselves as lesbians who haven’t slept with another woman. Labels are descriptive and limited. Love is (supposedly or ideally) infinite, unconditional, and blind, including gender blind.
The variance of human emotions and sexual identity is limited only by our imagination, emotional and sexual integrity, and experience. Have you ever had your heart broken by a lesbian who loves another woman more than she does you? I know of many lesbians who have had their hearts broken by bisexual women who valued men over them. The world is sexist and many lesbian women have decided that other lesbian women were the best choice for a true love partnership for them. Lesbians choose other lesbian women because that is what they desired.
Bisexual women may choose men, other bisexual women or lesbians as possible love matches. You chose both because that is what feels true for you. In an ideal non-sexist world we all would be able to love others without gender bias, judgment or approval. The possibilities are nearly limitless for the adventuresome lover. Lesbians are on the other end of the speculum. They have decided that they will or can only love other women. Some of them love bisexual women, others find that an unacceptable match for reasons of their own.
I realize that bisexuals make up the majority of LGBTQ population. I am not a bisexual nor would I personally ever consider dating a bisexual woman, unless I felt that I was in love with her. The most important element for me in a potential lover is the electrical, magical, overpowering weak in knees, elated in the soul inspiration that hits me like lightning.
I applaud your brave loving spirit. You are a pioneer in the world I dream about. I just told one of best friends last month how in a future life I was going to be a bisexual omnivore instead of the vegetarian lesbian I am because I have missed out on so many wonderful possibilities. However, in this lifetime I remain a true steadfast vegetarian lesbian. To thy own self be true.
Respectfully,
Sappho