Dear Sappho,
In spite of being in a “successful” relationship and having a few really great friends I can’t get over the fact that something seems lacking in my life. My partner and I are happy going our separate ways and retuning to home base. We have love, acceptance and mutual interactions and support, but something emotional is missing and I’m not sure what it is. We love each other even more than ever. Yet, I am an emotionally unfulfilled woman. What are the expectations for emotional fulfillment?
Lacking Fulfillment
Dear Lacking,
ReplyDeleteEmotional fulfillment is a need, a craving that when fulfilled, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, but, when unfulfilled leaves you with a vague feeling of unhappiness and frustration. Happiness is subjective and personal. Often it comes in waves and is cyclic.
We all expect to be fulfilled and yet few of us take definitive action or responsibility for creating our own self-fulfillment. Emotional unfulfillment calls out from a deeper place than emotional boredom. This response does not address emotional boredom or ennui but the need and desire to be emotionally fulfilled. Aphrodite will not participate in prayers involving boredom or ennui. She is more inspired by seeing you act on your desires before she deigns to assist.
Basic human needs for emotional fulfillment are universal and include; love, acceptance, affection, feeling valued, appreciated, secure, companionship, admiration, trust, respect, understanding, conversation, communication and support. Items and position of importance vary person to person.
Basic human fulfillment comes after basic needs and daily living requirements are met. We know we can control our actions, body movements, thoughts and reactions. Why is it so difficult to train and control our emotions? We need to be conscious of our feelings and moods. They affect our attitude. If we can change our attitude, we can change anything.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (1943) describes the patterns and stages of human development as a pyramid. At the bottom of the pyramid are all of our basic physiological needs such as eating, sleeping, breathing, and sex. The next step includes safety, jobs, resources, health, and morality. Once a majority of our physical needs are met we are prepared to go on to the next level, which includes love, family, friends, sexual and emotional intimacy. After these needs are fulfilled, we are equipped to develop our self-esteem, including our ability to obtain the respect and confidence we need to advance to the top of the pyramid to self-actualization. Self-actualization includes the crowning achievement of contributing or giving back our special creative gifts to the world.
We fall harder for and are easier fulfilled by people who promote our highest good and well being. People who foster and nurture our higher selves are like true loves, higher loves or spiritual lovers. We are emotionally fulfilled by relationships with people who nurture and bring out our best self. It promotes feelings of self worth, interconnectedness, and purpose. Some people wait for and or expect others to fulfill their emotional needs. Often when someone comes close or fulfills some of our emotional needs, we feel so good that we might feel that we are in love with that person.
I’m tempted to suggest that what you are missing is romantic emotional satisfaction. I’m here to remind you that it is your responsibility to find it, give it, and somehow inspire or induce your partner to participate in an emotional adventure that inspires and brings out the best in both of you. Romance is often a fictional state of mind involving mysterious or extraordinary events. Sharing life purpose, an anticipated trip, property or a joint project could instigate romance. Even if it just starts with reading lesbian pulp fiction to each other or holding hands at the movies. Lesbians are some of the most romantic lovers on the planet, so by all means do your part to keep the love flowing.
Falling in and out of love is a modern western concept that somehow implies we are not responsible for our feelings. Feelings are associated with hormones, dopamine, noradrenalin, and serotonin. Friends and lovers are important allies in the quest for emotional fulfillment. When we spend quality time with people we love, it brings out the best in us, it’s uplifting and fulfilling. Think of emotional fulfillment as a form of self-actualization. It is our responsibility to make it real, personal and actual in our lives from the inside out.
Love always,
Sappho