Dear Sappho,
I know I am a lesbian who is emotionally and sexually attracted to other women, the problem is I am still a virgin "in love" with my straight best friend. I don't know where to find a girl friend that I will feel as passionately about as I do about my friend. My friend knows how I feel but tells me that although she loves me too, she doesn't feel the "same way about me" because she loves men. Do you have any advice for me?
Dear Innocent,
ReplyDeleteYour friend is straight and you will save yourself much trouble and heartache the sooner you believe and accept her position. Imagine a man falling in love with a lesbian though she kindly tries to tell him she doesn't have the same feelings for him. Unless one person in the relationship is willing to sacrifice their emotional or sexual integrity, the relationship is destined to be something less than true love for either one.
My advice is to make friends with your sexual identity, hang out with other lesbians and get to know friends and acquaintances that are of the same persuasion and inclination as you. I found my lovers at work, school, and gay venues. Many lesbians do have strong attractions to straight friends before they realize they are homosexuals. I know I did. At first I didn't understand it, thinking love is love no matter what the gender. That is where the lesbians are separated from the straight women who are very gender specific and self identified as heterosexuals.
First true love is an initiation into the mysteries and glory of real love. Coming out is the initiation into gay sexual relationships. If gay love were to happen naturally and was approved from birth as a viable life path, people would be free to love the object of their heart's affection rather than stumbling through gay bars and online dating sites. But wait - don't straight people stumble through single bars and online dating sites? Yes they do, but they are also free to date in high school, meet dating choices through family and friends and celebrate those connections freely and without social disapproval. Straight people actually have the same initiation into sexual encounters and first love as GLBTQ people, just without the intimidation.
Taking the dip into the ocean of love is often different from losing one's virginity. One is an emotional initiation; the other is a sexual initiation. Ideally the first sexual encounter would be with someone you have idealized, admired, lusted after, and absolutely adored, alas that is not always the case.
Many virgins of every ilk have hurled themselves into less than desirable circumstances to get it over with. These become first sexual encounters and are not remembered or valued as first loves. First loves are reciprocal and live in the heart forever. They are the real deal that brings cosmic wonder and journeys to destiny. Sexual experiences are valuable in teaching us what we do and do not want in a relationship, for example no more sex without real love.
Of course all love is true love but some loves are truer than others. True love brings out the best highest potential in everyone involved. It is integrated and organic and much more rare than friendship or sexual affairs. Most of us stumble blindly into it and are surprised to find it outweighs all other considerations. It's that powerful, especially for the innocent who have not yet experienced heartbreak or the delusions of false love.
Once you find appropriate possible partners you can really share your life with you will be on the path to discovering true love. The only way to get over the first love is with the second love. After all love is the greatest healing, teaching, learning, tool and gift in the human heart. Pursue it like it is the last train leading to your destination, enroll in it's courses as though your future happiness depended upon it, and never trade, betray or mistake it for mere sex. It is sacred and it will come to you, be patient and yet preserving. Above all be true to yourself and your love will be true to you.
Viva Sweet Love,
Sappho